Purgation

It would seem I need purgation.

my thoughts are scattered everywhere.

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I visited Dagrin’s diary today and read all over his thoughts. I am amazed that generally, it takes one miracle to make you someone and from there the trend and pace is set.

I saw Ify Omalicha the other day…she is still writing though.  

 

You would like to ask me who i write for or why i write, check the first line it will give you the answers to your curious question.   I almost picked the phone to call today…just a dial away and then Dagrin diverted my attention. why do relationships really exist and why do they seem set up for failure right from the beginning or is it all in my head? I wonder what will become of me…day in, day out I wish I had a glimpse of what the future holds but I do not really wish it to happen.  

 

In a related content but far far removed from it, why do youths think they can be smarter than adults especially in sneaky/fast related circumstances? “Uncle” chatted me up yesterday and today. At first, I thought it was my “Olamide”s brother only to discover its “his” uncle. sometimes I shake my head at the depth of stupidity youths( sneaky ones) can go to get a quick charge! Anyway, not my business.  

 

I see a complexity in myself I wonder at: am at once fragile and strong, deep and shallow in the same breath. What was God thinking when He decided to create me? Seriously, I would give anything to know his state of mind during project “me”…   I made a few nasty mistakes in the last relationship I had(better to assume that than stay pretending). I wish I could take back some of my carelessness…I wish I knew that complete “openness” was wrong and forgiveness is just really a word. I mostly tend to take things for granted, maybe this is why I secretly always want to be left alone. There is this code of conduct with human beings that I believe my mother forgot to read to me! Now I hop from pillar to post looking for a love I know now(thank God) does not exist.

 

By the way, did I tell you I am a very difficult person? At least, people say so. I really do not know why but they do and for their sake’s I have come to hold that(though I do not believe it one bit.)

misery

I feel rather despondent but am not allowed to. I have to sit up, walk around and put on this brilliant cheerfulness that everybody expects, I need to be the sister I am expected to be even though sometimes I wish I could pull my hair from the roots and bang my head on a table and just say “fuck u”(sorry). I need to be this daughter they expect, though in all truth, I shag on those responsibilities. I cant just take on that level of subordination, it would simply kill me(ask my mum when you see her, she made a quick exit when she could no longer bear it). My father, well that is a story for another day.  

 

So, on a lighter note, what happened to all those love stories people tell, are the characters in “Americannah” real or just another figmentation of human lust for unending love? I really wish I had Obieze’s kind of mother-child relationship, my world I believe will be a better place.

I do enjoy speaking my mind and being spoken back to in the same regard(yes, it is not safe but I rather enjoy it.) I also have an abominable language grasp, most times I say something and it turns out that what I said carries a whole weight and meaning far from what my mind could even have formulated(I just accept it and put on a bold face because naturally, I am known to be forrrrrrrrrwaaaard) yes, that is another one of my flaws.  

 

  I am sure if it could be arranged, my family would really like to exchange me(the bargain they got without negotiating). well, sometimes I would also like to exchange them too(except that boy “Mayowa”) so, nobody is really a saint. I have been very stupid to assume that “an outsider” in a declaration of love will accept me in all my states but alas for truth!  

 

Sometimes, I wish I could end things and watch on from the afterlife and then that nagging(bothersome) “hope” keeps propelling me that just at the end of the corner, things will be better. the corners have just been rolling unto one another and I have half-emptied my bag of curiosity!

In truth, I do not wish my mistakes could be erased, for they form a bridge to my today and tomorrow but most times, I wish the decisions I made about a handful of humans could be reversed. Alas! for the unknown.

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Who says everything I have written here is really heartfelt or true(alas for your believing silence) but expect a certain degree of extremity from me cause I have found it is most inherent.   If and when I do decide to do purgatory again, then I hope I have something delicious or meaningful to tell you but till then do not expect stories from me, for most times am simply too shallow to even call or write or let us put it simply, “communicate”.

 

I prefer even when I laugh with them to be left alone but nobody really sees this, so I will continue this life till one day, that ever nagging “hope” comes along or I simply melt away like the others. till then, let us say aurevoir!

 

Fragile cage.

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